How are you, Confidant?

It's a Saturday afternoon, but feels like just another day when you have been quarantined for 5 weeks. Things have randomly sorted their own schedule and there isn't anything actually to not feel okay. Or maybe there isn't anything to feel, you don't know. Then suddenly you receive a text from a friend who is not (feeling) fine and there you are listening and helping them through it. And again, you forget how were you feeling.

When you are listening to someone, you sometimes feel so vast that you can hold so many feelings, emotions and other things which are told to you, inside you and still feel too short to let them out, because you are the Confidant. You can hold and not spill, you can listen and not lay out what you feel to them, because at that time you are helping and can't seek help. There is a certain position you find yourself in, where you might be there for everybody but for yourself, you hold.

You will not mention it, because you love them, you like helping, you like listening, you like to be there for them and somewhere in helping them out, you have an experience. You calm yourself a bit, lay down the possibilities, suggest what might help and in all this you somehow gain that (in)experienced experience. It is possible that in all this you stop feeling, you stop expressing, you just stop. It is possible that you become cranky because you are stuffed, you have so much inside you. You are irritated, frustrated and you are not expressing. You might hurt the ones who are trying to talk, because you have an elevated position in your head, because you feel the one who helps doesn't need any help. You feel yourself caught up in a situation where the easy way out is to not spill. You are confused.

But what you should do now, is to talk. Talk to yourself and introspect, know what you are feeling, know what you want. Know that you can't make everyone happy and know that you can be happy. Know that you can stop, stop to listen to yourself. You ain't any God, stop preaching yourself as one. Be. Just be what you are, and preach your selfhood. And know when nobody asks you "How are you, confidant?", You have yourself. And that's enough. 

Love yourself and be kind to that little hooman you are. Happy Quarantine!!

xYx